Castiel's Secret Diary: Everyone, Especially Dean, Keep Out
by pondastic
Summary: Cas is now human, Dean has given up hunting and the two of them are sharing a flat. The daily struggles of Cas' battles with emotions, mobile phones and Dean forgetting to water the plants. Not to mention the fact that Cas is hopelessly in love with his flatmate.
1. Chapter 1

**24th April, 10:00, Home **

Dean is singing in the shower. Very loudly. I wonder if he knows I can hear him? I'll assume he can't and then I'll be able to hold it against him next time he refuses to go to the store. I'll threaten to tell everyone at Sam's birthday party next week unless he promises to do the shopping for once.

I like the song he's singing. Maybe I could record it so I can listen to it when Dean's not here. He showed me how to record things on my phone yesterday.

**10:05 **

I don't know what I've done but my phone keeps playing some very nasty music.

**10:07**

It won't stop.

**10:10**

My phone is very attached to single ladies. I did not know phones had a sexual orientation. I will have to ask Dean about this later. Furthermore, whoever is singing this song has very bad grammar. This may be because she cried her tears for three good years. Something very terrible must have happened to cry for that long. I shouldn't be picking her up on her grammar.

**10:11**

Apparently if I like something I should put a ring on it. I like Dean…does this mean I have to put a ring on him? What kind of ring? Could I draw one on his arm? I should write my name in it as well so everybody knows that it is me that likes him. I'll ask Dean later.

**10:13**

I've hidden my phone in the couch but I can still hear it. Why does she repeat 'oh' so many times?

**10:15**

I just heard Dean swear and then there was a crash. I think it was the shampoo bottles, but I should go and check to make sure he's okay. He could have slipped and banged his head and then he might bleed to death and I would be left with my singing phone forever.

**10:17**

Dean is okay but he also has an aversion to me seeing him naked. He said 'son of a bitch' which is something he says when he is annoyed. Next time I will remember to knock.

**10:20**

He just asked me where his Led Zeppelin t shirt is. I told him I didn't know which was a lie. I don't like lying to Dean, but I would have found it difficult to explain that his Led Zeppelin t shirt is under my pillow because it helps me get to sleep. He doesn't like to know things like that, it makes him uncomfortable.

**10:25**

Dean made my phone stop! Apparently is was a song by a woman called Beyoncé called Single Ladies, though I could have deduced that from the repetition of said phrase. He says that he thought I might like it, but I think he was joking. I think he put it on my phone for his only personal amusement. He does a lot of things like that.

**12:24**

Dean has a date tonight. I think it is very rude of him to go on dates on such short notice. Now we are living together I should be warned at least a week in advance so I can make plans to be out of the house. I have no desire to listen to what Dean does to the girls he brings home. I also dislike the girls. If Dean wants to go on dates then he could ask me. Or is there a rule against that?

**13:18**

I asked Dean about the ring thing. He said that I shouldn't draw a ring on his arm with my name in. The song refers to the act of proposing marriage to the person you're in love with and placing a ring on their finger. I think I will draw on Dean's arm anyway. Then maybe he'll stop bringing strange girls home.

**19:36, Anna's House**

Anna told me to stop pining over Dean. I don't know what pining is, but I think it might be something to do with trees. I don't know what trees have to do with Dean either but maybe she referring to the plant I got for the kitchen table the other day. I still don't know what the plant has to do with Dean except for the fact Dean always forgets to water it. Maybe Anna is telling me to stop getting mad at Dean for not watering the plant.

**22:56**

She's letting me sleep on her spare room and she's being very nice to me. I do like Anna; I think if maybe I didn't like Dean so much, I'd like Anna even more. She's very sweet. Though when I told her about the song Dean put on my phone she said she likes Beyoncé which doesn't go in her favour. I think people who like Beyoncé should try to stop liking her.

**25th April, 02:00**

I can't sleep because I left Dean's t shirt at home, and I can't go back home because Dean will have a girl there, and he doesn't like me intruding on his dates. I hope he remembers to make her breakfast and a cup of coffee in the morning. I should text him and tell him so.

The buttons on my phone are very small.

**02:49**

Dean hasn't replied yet. I hope he gets my message before the morning.

**8:00**

I managed to get to sleep in the end but Dean still hasn't sent me a message back. I wonder if it's okay to go home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning: There is one passage which lists quite a lot of spoilers up to the end of series seven.**

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**9:00, Home**

I'm back home. Dean is very unhappy - he sung _Hey Jude_ in the shower. I think his Mom used to sing this to him when he was a child. He only sings it when he is sad.

**9:57**

Dean told me his date was gone by the time he woke up this morning. I think this may be the cause of his bad mood. He doesn't like waking up alone. If only he could see that I would happily share his bed with him, even just as a friend, then he wouldn't have to wake up alone and he would be happy.

And I would be very happy.

**11:17**

I made Dean pie. It didn't work out very well; the kitchen looks like the apocalypse has started again and I also burnt the pie so Dean didn't want any.

**13:20**

Dean has been in his room for two hours. I am beginning to worry.

**13:22**

I knocked, just in case he was naked, and he told me to go away. I wonder if I should call someone - Anna or Dean's brother Sam.

**14:07**

I called Anna. She told me to leave Dean alone. She says that Dean has commitment issues he needs to deal with. I find this a very strange way to describe Dean as he always seems very committed to me. He brought his brother up, he never gave up looking for their Dad, he stopped the apocalypse, killed Leviathan and closed the gates to hell forever. You can't do any of that without commitment.

Anna also said that he misses his brother because they had a very co dependant relationship. I couldn't disagree with that. I wonder if Dean would like it if I called Sam and arranged for him to visit us. I could even make sure Amelia didn't come, because Dean doesn't like Amelia.

**14:10**

I've just remembered that next week is Sam's birthday party and that Sam told me to only contact him if it's an emergency.

**14:11**

I'm not sure what constitutes an emergency… I think Dean being sad is an emergency. I'm going to call Sam.

**14:19**

Sam told me that Dean being unhappy is not an emergency and that he'll see me next week at the party. He sounded very angry about something but he was trying to hide it. I will call him again tomorrow to make sure he's okay. He didn't sound very okay.

**17:25**

Dean just sat me down and told me he needed to tell me something. I was hoping he was going to take me on a date. When he does ask me, I hope he doesn't treat me like one of the girls he brings home.

I have it all planned out. We will go for a romantic picnic somewhere picturesque, somewhere you can see the stars and we will talk about all manner of things. There will be a full moon but Dean won't be thinking about werewolves because he'll be happy, and I'll tell him I love him and that I've always loved him and I always will because he never gave up on me even when I deserved it. I hope that makes him do the smile where his eyes crinkle at the edges.

Maybe we'll even kiss, but I don't mind waiting till our second date for that.

**17:44**

Dean didn't want to ask me on a date. He told me he missed hunting. This is not going as planned.

**18:01**

I want to fix Dean like he fixed me, but I don't know how. I feel very alone and I don't know who can help. If only Bobby wasn't dead. He'd know what to do.

**18:05**

I think the plant on the kitchen table is dying. This is another reason to be sad today.

**21:14**

I went to the store to buy some food and when I got back Dean seemed to be in a better mood. He also apologised for his earlier behaviour and I pretended I didn't know what he was talking about, but he is letting me watch Titanic and has ordered pizza so it will be very nice evening.

**22:45**

I can sympathise with Jack. If Dean and I had been in their position, I would happily have died of hypothermia if it meant Dean would survive.

I think Dean cried a little at the end of the movie.

**23:22**

I wish I looked like Leonardo DiCaprio (he's the actor who portrays Jack and Dean says he's God's gift to women,) maybe then Dean would like me more. Though I think he prefers Kate Winslet (she plays Rose and she is very beautiful).

**23:31 **

Sexual preference is very strange. Why does Dean prefer women when there are lots of men just as nice? I will have to get Dean to explain this to me. It would make more sense if you could be in love with whoever you want regardless of gender.

**23:58**

I wonder what Dean would do if he had to choose to spend the rest of his life with either a woman who didn't really love him, or a man who was completely devoted to him in every way, and would never let anything hurt him ever again and promised to be there when Dean needed him most.

I like to think Dean would choose the man.

**April 26****th****, 00:09**

Dean fell asleep watching an old western movie that was showing on TV, so I tucked a blanket over his shoulders. I will get up extra early tomorrow to make him breakfast. He always likes it when I do that.

I'm also going to buy another plant. I think the one on the kitchen table is dying because it's lonely, maybe if it has another plant it will be happier and it will stay alive.


	3. Chapter 3

**April 27****th****, 10:00 **

I cannot tell what kind of mood Dean is in today. He's singing a song which includes the lyrics 'I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night' which makes him sound lonely; however the song is quite upbeat so I'll take it as a good sign.

**10:09**

I'm going to take Dean out today. I think we should go for a walk in the park and I'll buy him an ice cream, though this is a slightly selfish endeavour because I have never had an ice cream before, and I wish to try one.

**10:27**

Dean doesn't want to go out and he thinks he needs to get a job.

**10:28**

I'm concerned that he thinks that, I too, should get a job, which will be difficult as I have no creditable experience. I don't think several millennia of service to God accounts for much in the career world.

**10:29**

Even if it did, my service as an angel was of poor quality.

**10:30**

Dean also says it's too cold to eat ice cream.

**11:16**

I am beginning to wonder if Dean will ever feel the same way about me as. I do not want to ask him because he finds conversations of that matter awkward. It makes me sad to think I may never be able to tell him that he means more to me than my own life, but as long as he's happy I am okay.

**11:18**

The problem, however, is that I don't think he's happy.

**12:34**

I phoned Sam, as I promised. He seemed to be happier today. He also apologised for the way he spoke to me the day before and asked how Dean was. I told him that Dean feels he should get a job, and Sam said he is thinking about getting a job as well. It is a very odd notion that the Winchester brothers are starting a normal life.

**13:00**

What kind of job could I do? Maybe I could be a gardener. I have a pot plant, is that enough experience to be a gardener?

**13:08**

Dean says I don't need to worry about getting a job and that he's sorting something out.

**13:09**

I wonder what he means by that.

**14:49**

Dean brought me ice cream! He went to the store and remembered that I said I wanted to try it! He got me chocolate, strawberry and vanilla. I'm going to wait until this evening to try it.

**15:24**

Dean keeps telling me to eat the ice cream. The temptation is great, I must admit. However, I am going to wait until we put a movie on and we can eat it together. I'm even going to eat straight from the tub because Dean says this is the best way to eat ice cream.

**17:10**

I went to see Anna. She asked me things were going with Dean. I didn't know how to reply. On one hand things are going very well with Dean, we live together and I am slowly getting used to being human. On the other hand I am in love with him and don't know how to tell him, or if he feels the same about me.

**17:30**

Anna told me I should leave it a while before I tell him. Apparently I need to let him settle in.

**17:45**

I told Anna that I didn't want to tell him, that I wanted him to tell me because that way I would know his feelings are real. She suggested I should give him some subtle hints.

**17:46**

Subtle has never been my strong point.

**18:59**

It started raining on my way home.

**19:15**

Dean's going out tonight. He's going to meet girls.

**19:16**

He asked if I wanted to go with him. I said no. I don't want to meet girls and I don't want to watch Dean meet girls. What do I have to do to make him see that I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone other than him?

**19:18**

I should go somewhere else. I don't want to be here tonight.

**19:20**

I already saw Anna today; it would be rude to ask to stay at her place tonight. I have nowhere to go.

**19:21**

Dean said we would watch and movie and eat ice cream tonight. Why is he going to meet girls?

**20:03**

I went for a walk; Dean will be leaving the house soon. It's still raining.

**20:39**

I sat on a bench in the street. I wonder if Dean will be angry if I go back to the flat. I'm cold.

**21:13**

Dean's not home yet. I'll just go to bed and pretend that I'm not here.

**21:42**

Dean came back home alone! I was so happy that I hugged him. He seemed a bit surprised but then he hugged me back. I'm not very good at judging how long a hug should be, but for once he didn't seem to mind.

**21:45**

I really do love him.

**23:20**

Dean found a horror movie he wanted to watch. It wasn't very scary but Dean seemed to really enjoy it. It made him jump which is odd - you'd think after a life time of hunting he wouldn't jump at a movie.

**23:45**

The ice cream was very good. I particularly enjoyed the chocolate but Dean told me he prefers strawberry. I'm going to remember this fact for future reference, so that next time he is unhappy I can cheer him up with strawberry ice cream.

**23:57**

The ice cream made me feel cold so Dean let me wear one of his jumpers. It was too big for me.

**28****th**** April, 00:30**

I hope he doesn't notice, but I've swapped his Led Zeppelin t shirt for the jumper. The t shirt was beginning to smell less like him and more like under my pillow, but the jumper smells much more like Dean which I find comforting. It is also much warmer.


	4. Chapter 4

**Firstly, a huge thank you to Charli for giving me inspiration for this chapter. Secondly, this took longer than expected because I couldn't decide how to end it. I hope you like it and I hope I made the right choice.**

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**9:39**

I cannot tell you what mood Dean may be in today, because Dean is not here. He is gone. There is no note or clue to where he may be and I am trying not to panic. The apartment feels very lonely without him singing in the shower.

**9:43**

The Impala is also gone.

**9:54**

His phone is going straight to voicemail. Now I am panicking, we promised each other we would always leave our phones on in case of an emergency. Dean even helped record my voicemail message because I did not understand the concept.

**10:02**

I should call someone. I don't want to worry Sam, but I doubt Dean would be with Anna. There is no one else on my contacts list apart from Dean, Anna and Sam.

**10:15**

I made a phone call to Anna, she said she did not know where Dean was , but that if she heard anything she would let me know and that I should try to relax. I don't think I can relax.

**10:27**

I called Sam. He told me not to worry and that Dean was probably okay. He sounded very angry about something. I think he was lying to me.

**10:42**

I'm going to go look for Dean. He can't have gone very far without letting me know.

**11:30**

I checked all the bars, cafes and restaurants. Dean wasn't there. He's also not at the dentist, the doctors or the hospital which I assume is a good thing. Unless he's hurt and there's no one around to help him. I'm panicking again.

**12:45**

He's also not at the art gallery or natural history museum. Though there is an interesting exhibition on dinosaur bones. I have made a mental note of this because I would like to look at it properly. Maybe Dean would like to come with me.

**12:56**

Dean, where are you?

**13:13, Back Home**

I expect he has just gone for a drive.

**13:14**

He could have crashed and be severely wounded. What if his car has gone into a river? I saw this happened to someone when I put the news on yesterday. It was traumatic and one of the people in the car drowned.

**13:15**

I'm going to call the hospital again.

**13:20**

He's still not at the hospital, which is good news, I hope.

**13:37**

How long does someone have to missing before you report them?

**13:38**

I don't' think he's been gone long enough.

**13:39**

It feels long enough to me. When he comes back I am going to shout at him until he sees the errors of his ways.

**13:40**

That's a lie. I will hug him and supress the urge to kiss him and never let him go.

**14:56**

This is proof that Dean does not love me. If you love someone you do not let them worry like this. I could never to this to him. Maybe I am being obsessive, but it would not have hurt him to send me a message to let me know he is safe. After everything we have been through I think is acceptable for me to be anxious when is whereabouts is unknown for this length of time.

**15:28**

I don't think Dean watered the plant before he left. It is wilting.

**17:40**

I ended up sitting on the couch with ice cream and Dean's jumper. If I close my eyes and hug the jumper I can almost pretend I am hugging Dean. It certainly smells like I am hugging Dean. Dean gives the best hugs. He is very strong so when he has his arms wrapped round me I feel safe, he is also warm and sometimes when he hugs me tight I can feel his heart beating which makes me love him even more, because it is proof that he is real and he is here with me.

**17:45**

I wonder how Dean feels when he is hugging me.

**18:22**

I wish he was here. What if he never comes back? What if he'd had enough of me and just decided to leave? There is no one else here to upset him apart from I. What did I do to upset him? Maybe it was because I keep pestering him to water the plant or because I stole his jumper.

**18:49**

I just cried. It was a very odd feeling. I think accidently wiped my eyes on Dean's jumper.

**18:51**

I don't know if I can cope without Dean. I became human for him; he wouldn't just leave me, would he?

**20:06**

Dean's back. Dean came back covered in blood. He went hunting.

**20:10**

There was a vampire problem.

**20:15**

He promised me. He looked into my eyes and he promised me. No more hunting. The gates to hell are closed; other hunters can deal with what's left. He deserves a shot at a normal life; I'm trying so hard to make him happy and it is not enough. I should never have forced him into this, he will end up hating me and he will do something stupid. He could have got himself killed and I wouldn't have known where he was. Why can't he see that I just want him safe and happy?

**20:31**

We had an argument. I don't like shouting at Dean and I could not bring myself to tell him what he can and can't do, but I had to try and make him understand how much he scared me today.

**20:41**

Dean went very quiet and closed his eyes. He said sorry but he was a hunter and it's in his blood. He said that he didn't mean to scare me, but he didn't want me to know that he'd let me down. How could he think that? I did not know what to say to that. I didn't know how to tell me that he could never let me down.

**20:42**

I kissed him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Firstly, I just want to say thank you so much to everyone who has read this and who's reviewed and followed, you're all wonderful people. Secondly, I'm really enjoying writing this fic hence why I'm updating so frequently! There's not a third thing so on with the show! **

**29****th**** April, 20:50**

I did not mean to kiss Dean. Our first kiss was meant to be romantic. Dean was meant to kiss me back. I did not kiss him for long because it didn't feel right, but when I stepped away Dean said 'Cas' in a very low voice that made him sound sad and confused. Then he hugged me. It was not a normal hug. I am not the best at judging how long these things should last, but every time I tried to move away from him he pulled me closer. In the end I just rested my head on his shoulder and we stayed like that for a long time. Then he said he needed a shower.

**20:55**

I am very confused. I do not understand what Dean wants.

**21:06**

I started feeling very dizzy and I ended up sitting on the floor near the table. I think I was waiting for Dean.

**00:17**

I fell asleep. Dean woke me up and told me to get to bed. For a moment I thought he meant his bed but then he took me to my room and pulled the blankets over me before telling me to go to sleep. Then he left.

**00:18**

I wish he had stayed. I feel very lonely.

**30****th**** April, 9:45**

This morning Dean did not sing in the shower so I don't know how he is feeling. I wish I hadn't kissed him, I must have ruined everything.

**10:34**

Dean has been very quiet, I want to talk to him but I wouldn't know what to say.

**11:15**

I could not bear the silence of our apartment so I have gone to Anna's. I have told her everything that happened and like Dean, she hugged me for a very long time. I like hugging people, but I wish someone would tell me what to do about Dean.

**11:42**

Anna gave me chocolate cake which did make me feel a little better.

**12:09**

She sat me down and we had a very serious conversation. She was very honest with me. She told me that Dean did love me, that she was sure of it, she said there is no one in the world he would try to give up hunting for apart from me, and that has to mean something. Then she said that I shouldn't rush him into anything because he is scared of people leaving him and he needs a lot of reassurance.

**12:10**

If there is one thing I will never do it's leave Dean.

**12:11**

Unless Dean ever wanted me to leave, in which case I would.

**12:17**

Anna also says that at some point will have to talk to him and explain how I'm feeling because Dean cannot read my mind and I shouldn't expect him to.

**12:19**

I found this an odd thing to say, at no point have I thought Dean to be a psychic, but I will make sure I never think this about him nonetheless.

**13:22**

I went back home and bought a pizza on the way. Dean likes pizza.

**13:38**

When I got home Dean was asleep on the sofa, I didn't want to wake him so I sat at the table and started on the pizza, and then he opened his eyes and asked him if I was sharing.

**13:54**

I think he's acting like nothing happened. That's what Dean usually does when there's something he doesn't want to talk about. I will pretend as well, even though it makes my stomach and chest hurt as if they are bursting with all the things I wish to tell Dean.

**14:31**

Dean has gone for a walk.

**14:41**

I wonder if I should have gone with him. I think he wanted to be alone but I am never very good at telling.

**15:18**

I have found a show on telly called Friends. There is a man called Ross who is in love with the girl called Rachel but is finding it very difficult to tell her so, I can empathise with him.

**15:49**

The one called Chandler uses humour to diffuse tension. It works for him very well. I would try this tactic but I haven't grasped the telling of jokes at present.

**18:00**

I have watched three hours of Friends, I wonder where Dean is. I think he would enjoy this.

**18:10**

Joey is with a different girl every episode; I wonder what happened in life to make him so afraid of commitment. Despite this, he does seem very cheerful, so maybe he just enjoys it. I know that I could not live like that, there is only one person for me and he is currently out for a walk.

**18:53**

Dean came home; it had been raining so he was cold. He went to have another shower and now he is sitting with me in his warmest hoodie and we are watching Friends together. He said he used to watch it sometimes when he was younger and always wished he could have a group of friends like that. Then I told him he has me and he gave me a funny look.

**20:21**

Dean has drunk a lot tonight and I am not exactly sober.

**20:48**

Dean is explaining, in a very slurred manner, that I am very important to him. I wonder where this is going.

**21:11**

Dean has gone very quiet again.

**21:16**

Now he's having another drink.

**22:32**

I am sleeping at Anna's for the night. I don't want to talk about it right now.

**23:44**

Dean tried to kiss me and I stopped him. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. However, Dean was drunk and if he had to drink to have the courage to kiss me, then maybe he does not really want to kiss me.

**23:53**

I want Dean to love me whether he is drunk or sober.

**1****st**** May, 00:02**

I want to be able to wake up next to Dean and see him smiling. I want to kiss him every morning and every night. I want to hold hands with him around other people so everyone knows that we are in love. I want to be able to cuddle up to him when I am unhappy, and for him to be able to tell me when he is unhappy so I can do everything in my power to make him happy again. I want to go on picnics with him, and out to dinner, and stay up all night watching films.

**01:37**

I can't sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello all you lovely people, sorry this chapter has taken a bit longer than normal, I had problems with the ending. Anyhow, I hope you like it and thank you for all your reviews, they mean so much to me. **

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**May 1****st**** 23:00, Anna's House**

I have done little with my day except watch Anna's television and ignore a phone call from Dean.

Tomorrow is Sam's birthday party and I have to go to because I already promised him I would be there. Anna has also been invited which was very thoughtful of Sam, especially after everything that happened between them. Dean will also be there and I am scared of how he's going to react to me. I wonder if he will be angry or upset or simply pretend nothing happened.

**May 2****nd**** 9:00, Still at Anna's House**

Amelia told us to be at their house at six pm. I don't know what to do until then.

**09:15**

Anna told me to go home and talk to Dean.

**09:16**

I don't think Dean will want to see me.

**09:34**

I need clean clothes; I'm going to have to go home.

**10:03**

Dean is not here. I hope he hasn't gone hunting again, though I can hardly blame him if he has after the way I behaved.

**10:04**

What if he's hurt?

**10:06**

I cannot keep thinking the worst of every situation. It cannot be healthy for me. I wonder if anyone else does this or if something went wrong when I became human.

**11:12**

Dean is still not home. Maybe he has gone forever.

**11:15**

He wouldn't leave without seeing Sam tonight, I will see him there.

**11:16**

Unless he doesn't go because he knows I will be there. Maybe I am preventing the two brothers spending time together. Maybe I shouldn't go.

**11:47**

I phoned Sam and told him Dean and I had had an argument. I did not elaborate on the details because I do not think Sam wishes to know things like that about his brother, but mostly because Dean would not want his brother to know what happened. Sam told me Dean had phoned him this morning and was definitely still coming tonight, although he did not tell Sam what he was doing for the rest of the day. Sam said Dean didn't sound angry about anything and that he wants me to come whether Dean and I are arguing or not. He did specifically say that for the duration or the party Dean and I are not allowed to argue.

**12:17**

I suppose this means I am going to Sam's party. I'm very nervous; I have never been to a party before.

**12:20**

What am I supposed to wear? If Dean doesn't come back soon I will have to work out how to use his laptop and a device called the internet which allows you to find information very quickly and in great detail.

**12:40**

I managed to turn the laptop on and I also guessed Dean's password. He's so predictable.

**13:45**

I cannot find the button for the internet. Once I heard Dean refer to it as 'the web', maybe this means there is some kind of spider involved.

**14:29**

There are no spiders in Dean's laptop.

**14:56**

I don't know what I've done but I'm going to pretend I did not touch Dean's laptop.

**15:01**

I will just wear a shirt and tie.

**15:04**

I wonder how Dean would react if I wore my trench coat again. I haven't put it on since I became human.

**17:18**

I found the CDs that Dean chose for Sam and wrapped them in paper. Then I wrote happy birthday on the paper. I hope this is a good substitute for wrapping paper because I do not have time to get any from the store.

**18:11**

Sam is looking very happy, domestic life is clearly suiting him and however much Dean does not like Amelia, there is something wonderful about the way Sam looks at her. I would love Dean to look at me like that. It would make me very happy.

**19:27**

Their house is beautiful and I have spent a long time petting their dog. I wonder if Dean will let me get a dog. Anna is also here and she is getting on with Amelia very well, I don't think Sam has explained that while we were trying to stop the apocalypse, Anna tried to kill him and his parents. There are some things best forgotten.

**19:38**

Dean is here! He looks very nice, and he also has not yelled at me which is a bonus. Though he is not exactly speaking to me either.

**19:55**

Most of the people here are Amelia's friends and family, I feel very out of place. I wish I could be more like Anna and Dean who seem at ease talking to these new people. I am sitting on the couch with the dog wondering when I will be fed. I am very hungry.

**20:13**

Amelia has cooked a lovely meal for everyone, I like her a lot. Sam couldn't have wished for a better birthday.

**20:30**

Dean seems to be talking to everyone apart from me which makes me feel very sad, especially as no one else has noticed he is doing this.

**21:12**

I am leaving. I don't think anyone will even realise I'm gone.

**22:26**

I was waiting in our apartment. I hadn't even bothered to turn the lights on because I had a headache. Then Dean came home and he stood in the doorway. He said 'what the hell is wrong with you?' to which I did not know how to reply, so I said nothing. Dean started saying a lot of things about not understanding what was going on in my head and how I had changed a lot recently and he did not know what I wanted. He got very loud and he worried me because Dean rarely shouts. I think I deserved everything he said.

**22:29**

He told me to say something except I had nothing to say apart from sorry.

**22:38**

He looked at me for a long time and when I looked at him my whole chest felt like it tightened because he looked so hurt and I could not bear the fact that I had made him feel like this. So I left.

**22:49**

Dean didn't do anything at first, but when I was at the bottom of our building I could hear someone running down the steps. At first I did not want to him to follow me so I quickened my pace. When I was on the street he started telling me to come back into the apartment because I didn't have a jacket with me. I stopped in the road to tell him I didn't mind and that I would be home later. Then I saw the car and Dean shouted something. Then I was on the pavement and the car was beeping but carried on driving and Dean was saying something like 'never do that again' but I'm not entirely sure because everything was very slow and blurry.

Then we were kissing. Dean Winchester was kissing me in the middle of the street.

He was holding onto my shoulders quite hard so his fingers were digging in, as if he was scared I would slip away or step back into the road. I didn't mind because it made it seem more real and he was pulling my body closer to his. I wasn't aware of anything apart from Dean and my legs felt weak so I put my hands on his hips to steady myself. Then Dean started running a hand through my hair which meant he kissed me harder.

I had always imagined our first kiss to be gentle (I am counting this as our first kiss because it has been the first one with have both wanted to happen), instead it was passionate and dizzying and better than I could have hoped. Dean pulled away first because I had forgotten that at some point we had to stop, then he grabbed my wrist and led me back up to our apartment.


	7. Chapter 7

**May 3****rd****, 09:02**

I am not in the best position to write at present, however I will persevere. Dean has his arm round me and the last thing I am going to do is move it. Last night Dean didn't say a word to me until we were back inside the apartment, then then pushed me against the door and kissed me quite hard. His body was pressed very close to me so I could feel every small movement he made. Then he started kissing my neck and pulling my shirt off which was unexpected.

**09:05**

I don't think it is appropriate to go into details about what Dean and I did last night, but I will tell you that it was amazing. To begin with, I was slightly embarrassed about Dean seeing me naked, but in the end I forgot about that.

**09:10**

Dean is making a funny snorting noise every time he breathes in. I don't understand.

**09:11**

Is this some kind of mating signal that has not been explained to me?

**09:12**

How do I make him stop?

**09:14**

I pinched the end of his nose which made him wake up; I forgot that pinching the end of his nose would mean he couldn't breathe. I apologized profoundly. He said he was just snoring and if he ever does it again I can wake him up.

**09:18**

Dean told me he's not getting up today, and now he's fallen asleep on my shoulder. He's so warm; I think I'll just stay like this.

**09:34**

He looks so peaceful when he is sleeping.

**09:49**

I did not know it was possible to be this happy.

**11:09**

I fell asleep again; I have not slept this well since I became human. It is so nice to wake up next to Dean. When I opened my eyes, Dean was already awake and he was watching me. He seemed unsure as to what to do or say, I suppose he is not use to not being alone in the mornings. I kissed him again, just because I can. It wasn't like last night, it was much gentler, and he was so soft when he ran his hands across my skin. I don't think I will ever get used to this.

**11:32**

I made Dean breakfast because his stomach started making odd noises. For once I didn't burn anything!

**12:01**

Dean asked me how long I'd felt like this, though he seemed embarrassed and didn't look at me very much during the conversation. I told him that I'd had always been in love with him to some extent, though for a long time I did not understand what I was feeling. Dean went very quiet and then asked me why I had never told him. When I said that it was because I didn't think he reciprocated my feelings, he told me that I was an idiot.

**12:17**

Dean is a very good kisser.

**13:10**

We have been very lazy so far today, we are still in bed. There has also been a considerable amount of cuddling and kissing. I had no idea that Dean could be this affectionate. I feel very lucky.

**14:24**

We finally got out of bed, but we only got as far as the couch. We're watching a film called When Harry Met Sally. It is very funny, though I do not understand all the jokes.

**15:11**

Dean just told me he hasn't felt this good for a long time. That made me so happy that I didn't know how to reply, so I cuddled up against him and he hugged me really tight.

**15:32**

I asked Dean what he was going tell Sam, and he said we'd cross that bridge when we came to it. Does that mean he's not comfortable with telling anyone? I am allowed to tell people?

**15:33**

I was looking forward to telling Anna, but maybe Dean doesn't want me to do that.

**17:56**

We ordered pizza and while we were eating Dean asked me if I was worrying about something. I don't know how he can tell, but maybe it's just the same way that I can tell when Dean is worried or upset. It is nice to know that he pays that much attention.

**18:00**

I explained to him I was confused about if I could tell Anna or not. He said that he would rather I didn't at the moment. He carried on say that it wasn't because he didn't want people to know, it was just because he'd never been with a guy before.

**18:02**

I don't understand how it is any different to being with a woman. We are all human beings.

**18:05**

I suppose I shouldn't complain. I have Dean, I think, and that's all I ever wanted. It doesn't really matter who knows and who doesn't know. When Dean is ready, he will tell Sam, and for the mean time I won't say anything.

**19:43**

Dean and I have gone for a drive. He's singing along to his music very loudly and keeps grinning at me when I laugh.

**20:09**

I'm not sure where we are, but we can see the stars.

**20:25**

Dean brought a bottle of beer each and we're leaning against the impala talking.

**20:38**

I started telling Dean the names of the stars. I may not be adept at social interaction (although, I am trying very hard to remember everything Dean tells me to do, and what I shouldn't do), but I do know about the world around us. He seemed to be listening to everything I said.

**21:12**

I stopped for a moment, while I was trying to think what else I could tell him. Dean said my name in that deep, quiet voice he sometimes uses when he wants to say something serious. When I turned to look him he was leaning forward, he was as close as he could be without kissing me and I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I like his eyes; they're one of my favourite things about him. He put his hand on my face and ran thumb across my cheek. Then he kissed me, it was so gentle our lips were barely touching at first. Then he leant in closer and his hand crept round to back of my neck, pulling me in closer.

It's very hard to have self-control when you're being kissed by Dean Winchester. Every part of my body seemed to be crying out for some sort of contact with him, I couldn't help but slip my hands under his t shirt. He moaned a little when I did that, so I turned him around so that he had his back against the car and I pressed against him. His hands were in my hair and on my chest and both of us were holding onto each other for support. When I turned my head to the side to take a breath he didn't stop, he carried on kissing along my jaw and down my neck. My hands were very shaky, so I fumbled with taking his shirt off which made Dean laugh and he pulled away.

He kissed the side of my head and held me to his chest. He said he's going to take me home.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you for still sticking with me, you lot are awfully lovely and I hope you're still enjoying it! There's definitely still loads more to come if you still want it. I would like to dedicate this chapter to Rachel because it's her birthday (Happy Birthday Rachel!). Onwards...**

* * *

**3****rd**** May, 08:07**

Dean has decided to call the plant Penelope, I'm not sure why. What is more confusing, however, is that when I got up this morning he was watering it. He never remembers to water the plant.

**08:09**

Dean says he feels bad about all the mornings he forgot to water the plant. I won't tell him that he nearly drowned it and I had to save it. That may hurt his feelings. Besides, I appreciate the gesture.

**08:45**

Dean is singing 'Walking On Sunshine' in the shower. I hope he cannot hear me laughing.

**08:46**

I am not laughing in a mean way. I am laughing in a 'Dean sounds happy and can sing very high pitch notes' kind of way. I don't understand why that makes me want to laugh, but it does.

**09:01**

I was attempting to make fried eggs (thus far my endeavours in this task have been unsuccessful), when Dean came out the shower with only a towel on, and put his arms round my waist. My stomach experienced a very odd twisting sensation that gave me the urge to kiss him for a long time. I wonder if that is a normal reaction for humans to have.

**09:05**

Dean took over the frying of the eggs; he is much more accomplished in the kitchen than I. It is a skill I must work on.

**09:24**

I asked Dean if he was still missing hunting. He said he was, but he was getting used to it and that he has something else to occupy him now.

**09:25**

I wonder what that is.

**09:27**

Oh, it's me. He means I occupy him. How thoughtful.

**10:18**

Sam came to our apartment unexpected. Dean didn't say anything about us so I guessed that he wanted to keep it a secret. I was very careful to act like we are still just friends, but Dean kept looking at me in a funny way. When he didn't think I was looking at him, he looked guilty.

**10:56**

Sam went to the toilet and Dean sighed and turned to face me. He told me he was sorry but he wasn't ready to tell people yet. I told him it okay and that I understood, but I lied. I do not understand at all, but if it makes Dean feel unhappy to tell Sam then I am okay with him not telling Sam, because all I want is for him to be happy.

**11:41**

Sam's gone but something's wrong with Dean. We lay on the couch for a long time; Dean kept running his fingers through my hair and kissing my head. Then he said he had to go out.

**11:49**

The plant looks sad that Dean isn't here. Maybe the plant likes Dean more than it likes me because it was Dean that watered it today.

**11:52**

Or maybe the plant likes Dean more because Dean named it Penelope. I will now comply with this folly and refer to the plant by name.

**11:54**

I wonder what Penelope would say if she could talk.

**13:33**

Dean came back whilst I was trying to work out if the fridge light stays on when I close the door. He stood in the doorway and shook his head and then laughed. Then he said he had something for me. He told me to close my eyes and to stay where I was. He told me off because I tried to peep.

**13:45**

Dean brought me another plant! He said I could name this one so I chose Percy. He said he felt like he had let me down by not telling Sam about us, and wanted to make it up to me. I replied by saying he was being silly and I didn't mind waiting until he was ready. Next he did the thing where he pulls me into him very quickly and kisses me until I feel like I'm going to fall over.

**14:01**

I thought that kissing Dean would get boring after a while, but it just gets better every time.

**18:10**

This is not good. This is the worst thing that could have possibly happened and I am not prepared.

**18:11**

Dean was on his laptop and I was reading a book about evolution when a knock came on the door. I thought this was very odd because it was unlikely Sam would call twice in one day, and the only other person it could be is Anna, and she would always calls ahead. It wasn't either of them. It was Crowley.

**18:12**

I don't know how. The only way it would be possible is if he was on our side when we shut the gates of hell, but we made sure he wasn't.

**18:13**

Dean completely freaked out, naturally. Crowley is in the kitchen drinking whiskey and Sam in on the way. I should call Anna and let her know what's going on. She needs to get somewhere safe. As do we.

**18:15**

I am absolutely useless as a human. I need a way of protecting Dean.

**18:20**

Crowley said we were acting like little girls, which I believe to be an unfair judgement. He also said he's not talking until Sam gets here. He said he wants the 'old gang' back together.

**18:22**

Dean is shouting quite a lot. He's scaring me. I cannot let him do anything stupid.

**18:31**

Sam has finally arrived. He thought that Crowley might not really be Crowley, that he may have been a shape shifter and consequently tried to attack Crowley with a silver knife.

**18:35**

It definitely is Crowley and now he's in a very bad mood.

**18:57**

He won't tell us how he got out, or if he ever got sent back to hell. All he's saying is that we have an angel problem. I don't trust him. We made our peace with the angels; they have no reason to come back here.

**19:13**

Dean has the look in his eye he gets when he's on a hunt. I cannot stop him going with Crowley, but I wish I could. All that is left for me to do is go with him and do everything in my power to keep him from harm.

**19:20**

Crowley has given us a meeting place. Sam said he needs to go home and tell Amelia what is happening.

**19:27**

I sat Dean down and told him to breathe. Then he started crying and I now understand what it means when people say their heart breaks. Watching Dean crying is the greatest pain I have ever known. He said that he was finally starting to feel happy and then something like this has to happen. I didn't know what to do, so I just held him.

**19:36**

Dean said he wants me to stay here where I'm safe. He held my face in his hands and looked straight into my eye. I told him that was not possible and that I had to do everything in my power to make sure he does not get hurt. He kissed me, but it felt different this time, as though he was scared he might not be able to do it again.

**20:00**

We're on our way to meet Crowley.


	9. Chapter 9

**I'm so sorry about the wait for this chapter, I've been really busy with exams and college stuff, I haven't had much chance to write. Thank you for all the lovely reviews, you're all stars and I hope you've had a lovely Christmas! Anyway, here we go...**

* * *

**20:43**

Dean will not believe me that the angels have nothing to do with this. He says that Crowley is a son of a bitch whom he also has no trust for, but it's possible that the angels are up to something.

**20:44**

I do not think this is the case. The angels have no reason to interfere at present.

**20:46**

Crowley is up to something and it will end in Dean getting hurt, I am sure of it. Why won't he listen to me? Does he not understand that I cannot cope with this on my own, I need him. I need him to be happy and safe.

**21:15**

We are at the meeting place, Crowley is not here yet. Neither is Sam.

**21:20**

Dean is very tense, I suppose that is understandable.

**21:32**

We had a very loud argument which resulted in Dean telling me I shouldn't be here.

**21:56**

Crowley arrived eventually, and he has ruined everything. If I was thinking straight, I would have done exactly the same as Dean, except I wasn't because I was scared and now Dean is going to get hurt because of me.

**22:17**

Crowley explained what is happening. Apparently an angel pulled him out of hell. I do not believe him because we closed the gates of hell _forever_. This so called angel then explained to Crowley that he could free the rest of the demons if Crowley cooperated. Crowley, of course, agreed, but has now decided to transfer his loyalties because he does not trust the angels. The angels wanted Crowley to retrieve the last tablet. The tablet about angels. The tablet which would describe how angels could come to take the earth, without breaking the seals and starting the apocalypse. They believe there is a metaphorical 'emergency stop' button.

**22:18**

Sam never turned up.

**22: 25**

Dean, who had been doing this much longer than I, agreed to help Crowley find it, and destroy the tablet on one condition. The condition being I was taken somewhere safe and was not involved. Crowley smiled and said 'goodbye sweetheart' which I believe to be a term of endearment, and then I was here. It's very dark so I cannot make it out exactly, but it appears to be some kind of warehouse. It also seems to be lacking a way out and I am feeling very afraid.

**Sometime later**

I want Dean.

It's cold here. What if Dean is hurt?

Crowley was not telling the truth. It is a trick and Dean has walked straight into it.

This is all my fault, I will never forgive myself for letting this happen.

I have tried getting out again. This is further proof that Crowley has planned all of this.

I wonder what happened to Sam. I hope he found Dean. Someone needs to keep Dean safe.

I feel so useless! If I was still an angel none of this would not have happened.

* * *

Crowley turned up and explained everything.

I knew this felt wrong. I knew it.

There are no angels involved. There is just Dean and I and Crowley wanting revenge. I am so weak, I am so pathetic. Dean deserves to have someone who could protect him.

I tried to be angry, but I am just so tired. Crowley stood over me and told me he was not going to _physically_ hurt Dean. I do not understand what he means.

Crowley left again and I am on my own. There is no food, nowhere warm, but that does not matter. I do not deserve to have any comforts when I have put Dean in so much danger. I deserve to be back in purgatory. I pray that Dean is okay.

* * *

I do not know how long I have been here and I have lost all track of time. I do not even know if it is or night or day outside, but in here it is still dark, I am still scared, and I still miss Dean more than I thought possible.

I think my pen is beginning to run out and I'm hungry. Crowley has not yet returned and I still cannot find a way out of this place no matter how hard I try.

What if Crowley just plans to leave me here? What if I never find out if Dean is okay and I am just left here to die? At least if that happens, and by some miracle Dean is okay, he can find someone worthy of him. Furthermore, if I ever get out of here I will leave and stop putting him in danger, because I am sure that as long as I am around Dean is not safe, and if I have ever had one purpose in my life, it is to protect Dean Winchester and I have failed too many times. I have to stop being selfish.

* * *

Crowley came back. He lost his temper and he kicked me over and over again and I could do nothing to fight back for I feel too weak to stand up, let alone fight. I think I passed out; I am not sure for how long. I ache all over and I think I lost a lot of blood.

What is Crowley trying to achieve by doing this? I do not understand his aims.

Nothing is changing here except I feel worse every minute. I do not even have the energy to continue looking for a way out. I don't think there is much point writing this anymore, but if anyone ever finds this, please tell Dean Winchester that I love him. Tell him that I always did and that I always will. Make sure he understands that, because it's the only thing that matters any more. Also, please make sure he doesn't blame himself, because he tends to do that and this is not his fault.

* * *

**Don't worry, it's not the end! There's still plenty more to come if you lot still want to read it! **


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello there, how was your Christmas? Sorry about the wait (again) I've been studying for exams so I've been pretty busy, but fingers crossed updates will be much more regular now that my exams are over! Thank you, once again, for all the lovely reviews. You lot are incredibly kind and I appreciate it tonnes!**

* * *

**29****th**** May, 12:39, Hospital**

I have been here for a week, apparently, although I have been unconscious for most of it. I've been awake for a few hours now; Anna was here at first, she didn't explain much, only that it was Dean that had found me but after he had got me to the hospital he had called Anna and then left, only telling her that he had 'unfinished business'. I know Dean, and I know that 'unfinished business' is never a good thing.

**13:02**

I am feeling a little better now, at least enough to talk to a doctor. I have two fractured ribs, a broken arm, two black eyes, and I am covered in bruises and cuts. I have also lost an 'unhealthy' amount of weight. The doctor kept asking who did this to me and I told him that I did not know. There is no point explaining that it was the King of Hell, if there is one thing I have learnt from Dean it is that if you say things like that to humans, they will not believe you and they will think that you are crazy.

**13:43**

I have a horrible feeling Anna has got herself wrapped up in our situation, I sincerely hope she hasn't. I still feel guilty about everything I have done to her in the past, when Naomi brought her back I vowed I would protect her, and when we ripped our graces out together I thought everything was over. I thought we could be friends and live a somewhat normal life. I thought she would be safe and that maybe I hadn't failed her completely.

**14:07**

I am a little upset that I haven't heard from Dean, I expect that he's just trying to get this over with, what this is, and then he'll be here. I'm sure he's fine, he's Dean Winchester. He has to be fine.

**15:12**

The doctor from earlier came back and said he wanted to talk about what happened. Anna had told him I was attacked in the street, so I stuck with that story. He nodded a lot whilst I was talking. When I was finished he said that my story explained some of my injuries, but not the older ones. Some of my bruises are weeks old. I was a little surprised. I was with Crowley for weeks.

**15:16**

I don't remember a lot of it. It has become a blur of darkness, hunger and Crowley. Sometimes he brought me minimal amounts of food and drink, but not enough. Sometimes he'd talk to me, sometimes he would just kick me over, and over again. I didn't realise how much time had passed.

**15:28**

I wonder how Dean found me; I wish he'd call the hospital and ask to speak to me.

**17:43**

The doctor said he wants to keep me in for one more night for observation, and then I can go home. At least once I'm at home I'll have a phone and will be able to call Dean.

**23:09**

I can't sleep. I want leave now but the nurses won't let me, I want to go home and have a shower and eat one of those awful microwave dinners that Dean buys and watch a stupid television show.

**23:22**

I forgot about Sam. He didn't turn up when Dean and I met with Crowley. I hope he was just late and nothing bad happened to him. I cannot imagine what Dean is going through if something had happened to Sam; he always claims that it is his fault although it rarely is. In a way, that is one of my favourite things about him and simultaneously the thing that frustrates me most.

**30****th**** May, 00:12**

If this has taught me anything it is that I truly do love Dean. I the physical pain became almost normal, after a while, but missing someone you love with a very different sort of pain. You being to remember all the little things they do, not the important things, just the little things. For example the way Dean sings in the shower and in the car, the crinkles at the edge of his eyes when he smiles, the way he talks to the people at the checkout at the store because he's better at it than I am and when he makes a joke and then laughs at himself. Sometimes that makes me laugh more than the joke he told.

**08:13**

I must have dozed off eventually; when I woke up this morning the nurse gave me a final check over and said I was good to go.

**10:16**

Everything is as we left it in our apartment. I'm not sure what I was expecting. It feels empty.

**10:32**

Dean's not answering his phone; I left him a voice message.

**19:11**

He's back! He doesn't look good, but he's back and he's safe. They were trying to find Crowley but Anna made him come back here and sort himself out. He keeps apologising even though I keep telling him to stop. He seems to be avoiding standing too close to me. He probably just needs space for a few days, everything will be okay. We just need time.

**20:42**

Dean went to bed because he hasn't slept much over the last few days. I wanted to tell him how much I had missed him, so I went into his room but he looked so peaceful that I couldn't wake him up; instead I sat on the edge of his bed for a while. He didn't wake up, so I held his hand and then I stayed like that. I was on the verge of falling asleep when Dean looked up at me and said 'are you going to get in or not?' so I got in the other side of the bed. He didn't cuddle up to me, but he did take my hand again and then he fell asleep.

**23:02**

How long are you meant to wait until you tell someone you love them?


	11. Chapter 11

**Look! I'm back to frequent updates! I hope you're all well and still enjoying this fic! Thank you for all your reviews, I know I've said it before, but you lot are incredibly lovely and I really do appreciate the fact that you read this and like it. Oh, and I hope you're all recovering from Torn and Frayed (I know I'm not!) **

**31****st**** May, 09:12, Home**

Dean was already having a shower when I woke up this morning, however, he wasn't singing and that is often a worse sign than him singing a sad song.

**09:35**

I said to him 'you need to tell me what's going on, Dean'. I am worried about everything and everyone, particularly as I feel I am not being told all of the information. I still don't know where Sam is, where Anna is, where Dean went or what happened to Crowley. Dean needs to stop treating me as though I cannot look after myself.

**10:02**

Here are the facts as I understand them: Sam is in hospital, he's unconscious still, we have no idea what Crowley did to him and Amelia will not let Dean anywhere near Sam. Anna, against Dean's will, in continuing the search for Crowley (she said that I need him more than she does, which is ridiculous. Finding Crowley is much more important than looking for me, but at least I know that Dean really does care about me.)

**10:06**

The reason it took so long to find me is because the building was proofed against everything that they tried. It a long time to find an extremely ancient locating spell as well as all the ingredients. Now we are faced with the problem of finding Crowley, why he was not locked in hell with all the other demons, and keeping Sam alive.

**10:15**

I was a fool to think life would be easier now. How is it possible that it was only a matter of weeks ago I was worried about keeping two pot plants alive.

**10:16**

In case you were wondering, both plants are dead.

**10:43**

Dean says he has to go again.

**11:13**

I told him I want to help him find Crowley, and he told me I can do what I wanted, but I wasn't going with him.

**11:25**

Dean got angry. He said that I didn't understand. According to him, as long as Dean is reliant on Sam and I, Crowley has something he can use against him. Dean says he has to do this on his own because he cannot risk putting us in danger again. I wish he wasn't so intent on saving everyone. Why does he get to protect me? It is supposed to be my job to protect him.

**11:31**

This is so frustrating. He doesn't have to do everything on his own, I want to help him. I don't want him to feel alone on this.

**11:53**

Dean is sulking and packing a bag. Half of me wants to slide into bed with him, to kiss him until he forgets everything and smiles again, to tell him that everything will be okay. The other half of me is resisting with the urge to punch him.

**11:59**

Why will Dean not listen to me? I am not a child who cannot make decisions for themselves, and I may not be an angel anymore, but I have fought alongside Dean for a long time now and I think I am capable of looking after myself. I have no idea where all this is coming from. If nothing else, I want to go with him to make sure he stays as safe as possible.

**12:08**

Anna finally called. She thinks she's found something. She told Dean that he couldn't stop me going with them, and also that Amelia has promised to phone her if there's an update about Sam. She really is very resourceful.

**13:19, In the Impala**

Dean is doing his stupid 'I'm fine, there's nothing to talk about' routine. I can see right through him, he's worried about his brother.

**13:42**

He has barely touched me since he's got back. I wish I could concentrate on where we're going and not on wanting to kiss him. I wonder if things have changed between us. Maybe we've gone back to just being friends. However, that doesn't explain why he held my hand last night in bed; as far as I can tell that is not something friends do.

**13:44**

I am being ridiculous; this is not the time to be thinking about such petty matters.

**15:46**

This drive feels longer than it usually does. I used to enjoy sitting in the car with Dean. I tried turning the radio on but he turned it off again.

**16:21**

I tried putting a reassuring hand on his arm to comfort him, but he just shrugged me off. Then he said 'you know this is it, don't you Cas, you know we can't do this?'

**16:37**

He says he should have learned his lesson with Lisa. But I'm not Lisa, I know what life with Dean is like, I know him. I know him better than anyone. He can't do this. I don't care if every moment is a life or death situation as long as I can look up and know that Dean is there with me.

**16:38**

I think I could even live with us just being friends. That's better than nothing.

**19:14**

I was nearly falling asleep when Dean started talking. I will try and tell you exactly what he said, although I may not get it word for word. He began by saying we have been through much together, and that he can never thank me for all I have done for him. I tried to interject to remind him there were also many times I made terrible mistakes, but he told me to shut up. Next, he said that I am one of, if not _the_, best thing in his life. That's why, after this is over, we have to go our separate ways because knowing that I am out there, alive, is better than me dying on his account and he spent the last couple of weeks having no idea what he would do if I was dead, and he can't live like that.

**19:18**

I tried to tell him that I didn't care. I said that it was never him that put people in danger, it was always me. I am the one who gets it wrong, over and over again. He just shook his head ever so slightly and asked me to stop. His voice sounded all rough like it does when he's trying not to cry.

**20:30**

We drove the rest of the way in silence. It's a little less awkward now we're with Anna and we have a job to do.

**20:41**

It's interesting. I may not be an angel anymore, but I can tell when a place has seen recent demon activity. A spell Anna used told us we'd find Crowley here, but so far there is nothing. There is something here though, but Dean says we can't do anything about 'a bad feeling.'

**21:12**

We've found Crowley's vessel, but it's empty.


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello there everyone. Firstly I would like to apologise for the prolonged absence again, I don't really have a good excuse this time! Anyway, thank you once again for all your lovely reviews, you're all marvellous. There are still a few more chapters left, but I think I'm pretty close to wrapping this fic up and moving onto something else.**

* * *

**31****st**** May, 21:30**

My logic is this; Crowley would only be possessing someone else if it helped him in his game plan which means, as far as I can tell, there is only one person it could be.

**21:34**

Crowley wants to be in a position to hurt Dean and Sam, someone close to us, someone who we never thought to tell to get an anti-possession tattoo. I think Crowley may be using Amelia as a vessel. That way he has Sam under his full control, especially whilst he's ill. It explains why she refused to let Dean near his brother.

**21:43**

Of course, Dean is panicking now. There is no point in Anna or I even attempting to tell him this isn't his fault or that we could be wrong because he never listens. The only thing we can do is get to Sam as quick as possible, and hope that he's still in the hospital. If Crowley has taken him anywhere, he'll be dead – or worse – in a number of hours.

**21:59**

I wonder what Crowley plans on doing now. I will do anything I can to stop Sam getting hurt. I owe the brothers everything; I will never be able to stop repaying them for all they have done for me. I will save Sam if it is the last thing I do.

**22:48**

Dean is barely holding himself together. I asked him if he was okay, he was quiet for a while then he asked me why nothing could ever be easy. He said that he was tired of this life and he thought that he had got out. That things would work out between the two of us, and that Sam would get married and have children like he had always wanted, and that everything would be fine.

**23:02**

I told him we could still have that. I want that more than anything – I want Dean to teach me how to cook properly, I want to Sam and Amelia to invite us to their house for dinner and Anna to find someone nice and settle down with him. I want Dean and I to get jobs and live normal lives, to be safe and happy, and to be able to wake up every morning and smile because he will be the first thing I see.

**23:04**

Most of all, I want Dean to have everything he wants, which means that if he wants me to leave after this, I will leave no matter how hard it is.

**1****st**** April, The Hospital, 01:56**

We've got here, Dean ran ahead of me through the hospital.

**02:12**

Sam is still here and I'm fairly sure that Amelia is not a demon. (Dean threw holy water at her and the whole situation was quite embarrassing. I don't think it helped Amelia and Dean's relationship in the slightest.)

**02:34**

Amelia gave in and let us see Sam, Anna took her off to the café to drink coffee so we weren't interrupted. I suggested I wait outside but Dean said anything he wanted to say to Sam, he could say in front of me. I wish he would stop saying things like that if he doesn't want us to be together.

**03:22**

None of us are really sure what to do now. Sam is still unconscious and we have no leads of Crowley.

I think Dean wants to stay a while and look after his brother. I feel like I should leave now, but I feel uneasy leaving the Winchesters on their own when we do know where Crowley is.

**03:46**

I decided to sit quietly in the Impala.

**04:10**

I'm extremely tired, but I can't seem to sleep. Every time I close my eyes my brain keeps bringing up too many thoughts and worries. Is that normal? Does that happen to all humans? How am I supposed to live like this?

**04:13**

Some people think that everyone has one person they should spend the rest of their life is. What if Dean is my one person, but he doesn't want that? Can that happen?

**04:18**

If Sam doesn't wake up, it will kill Dean. I'm scared about what he would do if he lost his brother.

**04:19**

I'm also scared about what he'll do to save his brother. Both of them will all too easily sacrifice themselves for each other. I'm going to make sure they both get out of this alive.

**05:01**

Dean phoned me. It was one of the doctors treating Sam, not Amelia. Which means Crowley could have been pumping anything into Sam's system to keep him unconscious, to kill him – he had full control over Sam's life. How did we miss that? I should have noticed, I should have been able to tell something wasn't right.

**05:11**

Anna is getting Amelia out of the way; I need to find Dean and Crowley. I need to make sure Dean doesn't get himself hurt.

**05:17**

I found them. Crowley had Dean locked against the wall using telekinesis. He smiled when he saw me and said he had something for me; something which, if I took from him, could end all of this for the brothers. I could make Sam better, I could get them somewhere safe, I could protect them from him. I could even kill him.

**05:20**

Crowley didn't become King of Hell for no reason. He knows how to tear people apart. He knows how to tempt them.

**05:21**

It was my grace. He had my grace with him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Hello my little angels. I hope you're all doing well, although, after **_**Goodbye Stranger**_** I'm assuming you're probably not. Well, I'll kick you while you're down and tell you that this is going to be the last chapter of Castiel's Diary… for now, at least. Maybe at some point in the future I'll write a sequel. We'll see. I just want to say thank you to each and every one you who have read this and reviewed/followed/favourite-d, if it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't have written this much (especially as the first draft of the first chapter was written as a joke.) **

**Apologies, this has been a rather long author's note, but I really wanted to say thank you. Oh, and to tell you that a new fic has been in the planning for a while which I hope you'll all enjoy! **

**I'll leave you in peace to read the last chapter now, thank you again!**

* * *

**05:25**

Of course Dean told me not to. He begged me; he said we'd find another way. I assume Crowley thought I would listen to him. He was wrong. I made myself two promises a long time ago. The first was that I would always listen to Dean, because Dean usually knows what he's talking about. The second was that I would always do whatever I must to save the Winchester boys, _even_ if that meant opposing Dean's wishes.

**05:27**

I saw no other way out, so I took my grace from Crowley's hand and I forced it back into my vessel. Dean covered his eyes luckily, remembering what it was like the last time he witnessed an angel join with their grace. I didn't see what happened to Crowley. Maybe he burned up, maybe he got out.

**05:30**

It's difficult to describe the pain of pulling a grace out or putting one back in. The best way I can word it is to ask you to imagine taking a white hot metal rod and shoving it down your throat so it burns your insides with the most searing pain possible. Every cell in your body is screaming at you to take it out. The heat is too intense, and then suddenly _everything_ is too intense; noises are too loud, your skin is too sensitive, everything you look at is too bright, and your insides are still burning and screaming, and you think you have finally reached the end of your life. Then, all of a sudden, it's over. Just like that.

**05:32**

It took me a moment to understand the look Dean was giving me, then I realised it was fear although I don't understand what it was he was scared of. I can protect him properly again now.

**05:34**

The first thing on my list is Sam. I know that is the person Dean is worrying about most. As soon as I got to Sam's room I could tell the severity of his brain injuries where I hadn't previously been able to. His brain was shutting down, sinking deeper into unconsciousness with little chance of waking up naturally. I could fix it though; I can fix so much like this.

**06:13**

I gave Amelia and Dean their time with Sam. It makes me happy to be able to do this for them. I phoned Anna and told her what had happened. For some reason she sounded upset. I'll ask her about that later on when Dean and I get home.

**06:43**

I retrieved the impala and took it back to the flat because I needed something to do. I also sent Dean a text message telling him to let me know when he wants picking up, but he didn't reply. I expect he's telling Sam everything that happened.

**08:26**

Anna bought Dean home. That's odd. Why didn't he call me? Anna said she's glad I'm okay and that she'll call me tomorrow.

**08:31**

He has his _Cas-I'm-Not-Happy-With-You-We-Need-To-Have-A-Serious-Conversation_ face on.

**08:57**

I don't understand. What is so terrible about being an angel again? All this time the thing that has been worrying me most is not being able to look after Dean, and now I can. He says that he doesn't need my protection and that he was looking after himself a long time before I came into the picture. He says that what he wants is me…but he has me, and I'm stronger like this, what is his problem?

**09:03**

He's gone to take some stuff to the hospital with Sam, I think he's angry with me.

**23:17**

I keep telling myself there was no other way out. What about Sam? He would have died if I hadn't fixed him. Then where would we be? Dean's keeping an eye out for any omens; I think we should be safe even if Crowley didn't burn up. Besides, if he does come back I can destroy him as I should have done a very, very long time ago.

**2****nd**** April, Home, 00:02**

Dean fell asleep on the couch so I carried him to bed. I thought he might tell me put him down, but he pretended he hadn't even woke up and let me hold him. Maybe he's not as mad as he said he was.

**00:11**

I was about to go back to my room when he said 'stay', so I did.

**05:18**

The early hours of the morning are one of my favourite times of day. When the sun has just broke over the horizon and the light is pale and bright. Dean never pulls the curtains across properly, leaving a little gap by accident, and so there's a little line of light which falls across him and I can see the freckles on his nose and how peaceful he looks when he's sleeping.

**07:21**

He said to me 'what's going to happen now'. He didn't open his eyes and his voice was all croaky from sleep. I told him I don't know, but that I wanted to be with him. I think he nodded.

**07:56**

I left him to wake up properly and started making breakfast; if possible, I am worse at cooking as an angel than I was when I was human. I hope Dean doesn't mind.

**08:09**

Dean didn't sing in the shower.

**08:22**

I miss eating. I watched Dean eat, I don't think it was particularly edible but he forced it down anyway which was polite of him.

**08:31**

I wish someone would tell me what I am supposed to do now.

**09:17**

Dean told me not to rip my grace out again. He said that even though he wants me to be human, he doesn't want to watch me rip my grace out again (taking it out is even more painful than putting it back in, and I don't think my vessel will cope with much more.) Half of me wants to be human again, but Dean's right. I can turn what he calls my 'angel radio' off; I can do things like normal humans. Maybe heaven will cut me off and I will become human slowly, like I did all those years ago.

**09:29**

I asked Dean where he and I stood. I don't know what I expected.

**09:41**

I was ready to hear him say we couldn't do this. If I was still human, _I_ was ready to tell him we couldn't do this. It wasn't safe for him. However, it's different now and somehow, he sees that too. I think it will take a long time for us to get used to it, and we will have to, in Dean's words, take it slowly and see what happens.

**16:25**

We spent the day doing nothing. It's an odd expression, doing nothing. It's actually impossible. What I mean is that we spent the day on the couch again watching what Dean calls 'trashy TV' but I think he secretly enjoys it. He was in one of those rare moods where he let us just be together without complaining about 'chick flick moments'.

**16:30**

We somehow ended up with our legs all tangled up together and our arms round each other. He didn't even say anything when I kissed the top of his head or his neck or when I ran my hands underneath his shirt and across his hips and stomach and chest.

**17:01**

I love him. Being an angel doesn't change that. I will always love him.

**17:45**

I've nearly reached the end of this diary; I will buy a new one tomorrow! I am starting to see the joy of not knowing what's going to happen. As long as I have Dean, I know it will be okay.

* * *

_Hey Cas, _

_I know you like to think that I don't notice you scribbling away in here, but to be honest you're kind of rubbish at hiding it. By the way, keeping it under the mattress is a terrible place to put it. _

_Anyway, I'm not writing this is to laugh at you. I was actually writing this because there's something I need to say, Cas. I swear if you mention this to anyone I will kill you. _

_I just wanted to tell you that I'm happy. We have our ups and downs, I know, but I think we're going to be okay. We're going to be more than okay; we're going to be great. I wish you were better at cooking and that you would admit that deep down, you love Doctor Sexy MD, but those are things we can work on, and I know there's things about me that you wish were different. _

_But that's the point of relationships, right? You love the person you're with for the good things and their flaws, and that's what I wanted to say, Cas. I love you. I don't say it enough and I'm sorry for that, I promise I'm trying to work on it, but I do love you. _

_I'll see you in ten minutes when you get home from the store,_

_Dean _

_PS. Did you know you talk in your sleep? _


End file.
